What’s Cancelled Wednesday 8/26/20

Updated: Sep 30, 2020

With a new week, comes new cancellations. We watch what’s getting cancelled, so you can relax and enjoy your soy latte without offending anyone.

1. Running. Running is a luxury these days. The rich gentry run for sport while the poor working class only run out of necessity. When thousands of protesters run from the cops, they do it because they have to in order to survive. Meanwhile, rich people call that ‘exercise’. Running is cancelled.

2. Hardware Stores. Hardware stores pander to only two types of people: landlords (oppressors), and able-bodied people (also oppressors). They are by their very nature discriminatory against people with disabilities. How do you expect disabled people to fix their own things? One of the members of my throuple can barely walk into a hardware store because of their social anxiety and the carpal tunnel from playing League of Legends means they can barely hold a drill. It’s on behalf of people like that that we have to cancel hardware stores.

3. Whiteboards. Why did we ever start using whiteboards instead of chalkboards? Everyone already knows why. Racists. “Middle America,” that beloved hearth of racism that companies can’t help but to fawn over, couldn’t stand that their children were being educated using dark colored chalkboards. It threatened everything they believed in when they saw a successful writing board that was black. So just like when these racists all started eating white chocolate because they couldn’t stand the real deal, they also switched to whiteboards. It’s about time for some change. Blackboards matter.