USPS hires thousands of Antifa in preparation for election

UNITED STATES - The United States Postal Service has begun hiring thousands of Antifa members as temporary workers in preparation for increased demand amid the presidential election. The new hires will be trained to collect ballots from mail boxes and deliver them polling places.

By partnering with Antifa to hire new mailmen, the USPS has given jobs to thousands of unemployed white liberals. Kyle Jennings, a local Antifa militant and new mailman spoke with the Penguin. “First off, can we please not call it ‘mailman’. My pronouns are she and her and I prefer ‘mail carrier’ instead.” He continued, “I’m, like, excited I guess. My mom kicked me out last week for driving her Audi through an Apple Store window but, like, what’s the big deal? I was just protesting. Anyways I just really need the money. Plus, I can’t wait to throw some Trump ballots in the dumpster. Super stoked to do that.”

The partnership has confused some. Online comments showed skepticism about the deal with commenters wondering how Antifa members reconciled their anarchist tendencies with working for a government agency. Others asked how Antifa members would make time for peaceful protesting when they had to work all day.

Seattle post office manager Spencer Abernathy has shown his own reservations only one week after adding 9 Antifa members to his workforce saying, “None of them showed up on time. I told one of them to stop vaping in the break room and he just stared at me, said ‘Okay, boomer,’ and lit up a joint.”