USPS: all mail to be heat tested before delivery

WASHINGTON - The United States Postal Service has announced that all mail will undergo heat testing moving forward.

The announcement came directly from Postmaster General Louis DeJoy who stated that the goal was to remove any possibility of election tampering and to help stop the spread of COVID19 through the mail. "We just want citizens to know we are handling their mail responsibly and that they have nothing to fear as long as the Postal Service is in operation. Through ash and flame and heat we will serve this great nation."

DeJoy described the process saying that all forms of mail, with exception of tax information, of course, will pass through literal flames in order to test its legitimacy and to kill any germs that may increase the spread of coronavirus. "This is a tried and true method that has its roots in great campaigns like the Salem witch trials. If a woman could float when thrown in water, she was clearly a witch. Much the same, if a letter survives the fire, it was intended to be delivered."

Many have questioned the necessity of such testing, especially with several presidential election ballots cycling through the mail. "That's just a risk we will have to take," the Postmaster continued, "We can't guarantee the safety of every ballot, but we can ensure the safety of our customers, which is what matters most."

In the case that this method proves to be a failure, DeJoy has proposed a backup plan which involves a rabid wolverine handling all mail for the foreseeable future