ALBANY, N.Y. - Upstate New York store shelves have run bare in recent months. The shortages began as a result of Covid but allegedly grew much worse after Governor Andrew Cuomo unveiled plans to build a wall around the primarily right leaning, rural demographic.
"Here's a dirty little secret," Cuomo said, caught on a hot mic, "Americans only think of New York as New York City, so as long as the city gets all of the supplies and is taken care of, nobody will know the difference."
He added, "And if I goon that up, Fredo, I mean Chris will just tell them I'm doing a great job. Like with the nursing homes."
Governor Cuomo was last seen at an underground speak-easy in Manhattan, waiting for it all to blow over.
The administration denied the comments, and CNN's Chris Cuomo reported that the soundbites were actually a deep-fake Russian disinformation campaign. His office was open about its "New York Wall," which will cordon off the northern section of the state from the city. The project is said to "help keep coronavirus out of the relatively unaffected upstate counties," but bystanders can't help but wonder why the barrier is composed of inward facing barbed wire.
"I'm pretty sure the wall is to keep me and my tax money from moving to Florida," said Jim Bob, a Norwich car mechanic who surrenders 60% of his hard earned dollars to a government that disdains his very existence.
After the cries of hungry and toilet-paper-less New Yorkers reached Washington, President Trump was quick to order the activation of the U.S. Air Force to airlift supplies into the far-flung northern reaches of the state.
"Under my administration, no Republican voter will go without food or with an unwiped, gross butthole. Keep America Great Again. Trump 2020!" shouted the president through a bullhorn flying overhead in Marine One, CCR's "Fortunate Son" echoing softly in the background.