ATLANTA, Ga. - Scientists at the Center for Disease Control have developed a new strategy for helping the public fight the pervasive novel coronavirus - "We're just going to wing it."
At the onset of the initial outbreak, CDC Scientists worked tirelessly to study the virus and create new ways to fight it. After a while, however, the novelty wore off and the toilet paper ran out.
"It was when we were forced to use disposable face masks as hygienic napkins that we had our first breakthrough. 'We'll just tell everyone to wear face masks until we come up with something else!' we thought. It worked like a charm!" said Dr. Edwin Jenner, the facility's lead epidemiologist.
Dr. Jenner expressed the painstaking efforts the scientists went through at first that led to their current method of "just wingin' it." "We tried everything, but eventually we just wrote some ideas on a dart board and let chaos reign. I mean, hey, it's 2020, right?"
Some ideas, including reciting ancient Native American chants, seem to only have worsened the situation. Other plans, like having the entire population do the hokey pokey, never got the green light. "We are pretty close to suggesting a world championship game of hide and seek to encourage social distancing," Jenner assured reporters.
"At one point, I tried putting out an idea box, but that backfired pretty quickly with suggestions like 'release the kraken' and 'have your momma sit on coronavirus' and changing the disease's name to "Covid mcCovid-face." said the epidemiologist. "For a bunch of scientists, these guys are pretty immature, but don't worry, you're in good hands."