BREAKING: birthday wish trumps dying wish
WASHINGTON - After the passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (affectionately known as RBG), Democrats and Republicans have argued about whether or not the seat should be filled before the election.
Republicans site the norm that typically, when a Supreme Court justice leaves the Court (via retirement or death), the President nominates a new justice. 163 justices have been nominated in this fashion since 1789.
Democrats argue that since President Obama was stymied in his effort to confirm his Supreme Court pick due to the Republican-held Senate, Trump should also be denied by a Republican Senate.
But everything changed with a new revelation: RGB's supposed dying words to her granddaughter: "My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed."
President Trump was understandably distraught to learn of this complication, as he was very much looking forward to the threepeat nomination. However, sources familiar with the matter say that his spirits were lifted after Rush Limbaugh informed him that a dying wish can be negated by something more powerful - a birthday wish.
Trump scoured the land for a birthday boy/girl/non-binary willing to use his/her/their birthday wish for the good of the nation. After an extensive search, he realized the perfect birthday boy was right under his nose.
"It turns out, Justice Neil Gorsuch had a birthday on August 29th and hasn't used his wish yet," said the President. "What a sucker. It's mine now."
"I didn't make a wish when I blew out my candles this year," Gorsuch alleged, "because my gut told me to save it for a rainy day."
Gorsuch has decided to put his wish to use. Tonight at 11:11 pm Eastern, Gorsuch will verbalize a belated birthday wish that grants Trump the power to nominate a new justice to the Court.