ZORAH, ANCIENT ISRAEL - Israelite judge Samson was shaven by his Philistine wife Delilah, but new evidence suggests it may have been because he kept it in a man bun.
The mighty judge was also a Nazrite, and as such, had to keep his hair uncut to garner God's favor. But new findings suggest that he foolishly chose to do so by styling it into a man bun. Scholars believe it was this choice, and not his other faux pas, such as eating honey from a lion’s carcass, that removed him from the Lord’s favor.
“Samson was quite cavalier in his fashion choices,” hypothesized Bible historian Dr. Ezra MacElroy. “Evidence points to him being a hipster. I believe he may have even worn his grandfather’s clothes just to stay ahead of the retro trend.”
New theories surround the possibility that Delilah did not cut his hair to emasculate him. Instead, she simply got tired of her husband trying new hairstyles and decided to cut it off when he was sleeping, just like my wife "lost" my favorite Bermuda shorts while I was golfing with my buddies.
The tales of Samson losing his strength after the showdown with Delilah’s shears were also possible conjecture. Many now believe he was just being overdramatic.
Biblical scholars are also currently looking into whether or not David did a stint as harpist for an ancient indie band.