Results Are In: Children Overwhelmingly Against In-Person Schooling This Fall

WASHINGTON - The results of a new poll by Gallup are overwhelming. Children ages 6-9 are unanimously against returning to school for in-person classes this fall. Their parents, on the other hand hold very different views.

Gallup posed the question “Should schools open for in-person learning this fall?” to 171 children from kindergarten to 2nd grade and their parents. The results were predictable. 155 out of the 171 children voted no, 1, voted yes, 4 picked their noses, 3 wanted more animal crackers, and 8 told pollsters they weren’t allowed to talk to strangers.

A follow up question confounded the otherwise clear results. Pollsters asked each child why they believed schools should not open and the results were incredibly varied.

Danny Creston, a 1st grader, said he didn't think children should return to school because he gets to wear pajamas at home and his mom always makes him change into other clothes and he doesn't like to do that because he likes his pajamas because they have dinosaurs on them.

Jerry, a classmate, agrees with Danny, but also said, "I like my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches better when mom makes them at home because they don't get all squished in my lunchbox."

Jacey, the only child to vote for school in the fall, jumped in to say that she liked school and doesn't mind homework. She said that she "gets to learn new things and make new friends, besides, I just read the new Magic Tree House Book and I can't wait to do my next book report on it." Anonymous sources reported that Jacey was "kind of a butthead."

The pollsters asked the parents their thoughts on the matter as well. Parents were more divided with 58% saying children should return to school and 42% supporting remote classes in the face of Covid-19. Support for a return to school increased significantly when the question was reworded.

When asked, "Do you really want those little heathens running around your house until December with no breaks?", support for in-person schooling rose to 93%.

image: "Rural Point Elementary"by philkates