Updated: Nov 25, 2020
Portland, Oregon – New legislation has been passed today causing Oregonians and environmentalists everywhere to cheer. The new law makes it a 3rd degree felony to heat methamphetamines with a disposable spoon. Now all meth in the state must be heated using a reusable metal spoon. Junkies who fail to comply risk heavy fines of up to $420 per infraction.
State officials hope the new legislation will increase safety amongst Oregon’s meth heads and help clean up the environment. They expect to see a reduction of over 270,000 plastic spoons per year across the state.
University or Oregon researchers conducted a study that found over 30% of all plastic spoons dumped into Oregon lakes were previously used for heating methamphetamine for injection. Head researcher and avid drug user, Dr. Jason McCaffrey, who goes by “J-Mac”, told Penguin reporters, “Like I guess you could say that people in Oregon use way to many drugs, you know. But, like, what if we just all pledged to use reusable spoons instead? The effect would be huge, man.”
Oregon Governor Kate Brown, gave an upbeat press conference where she laid out plans to distribute metal spoons to homeless shelters and college campuses to kick off the new law. “Oregon has once again led the way by blazing trails so that our citizens can get blazed on our trails,” proclaimed Governor Kate Brown. “Using reusable spoons to do meth will save thousands of pounds on needless waste. And with researchers coming close to developing a reusable needle, we may be able to eliminate drug waste entirely by 2030!”