My name is Rufus Snowball McAdams. I'm a 74 year old member (that's 11 1/2 in people years) of the 4th dog cavalry division and I'm tired of being disparaged as a liar by the likes of Joseph Biden. His attacks are unfounded, needlessly disparaging, and frankly are an affront to everything I stand for: family, security, and squeaky toys.
Yes, I may have pretended I didn’t hear my master when I ate his pizza off his plate when he got up to use the bathroom, but I don’t claim to be a perfect specimen. I simply do my best every day to live an honest life and protect my family and my home.
I did my job honestly, and with good intentions, trudging along in an eternal procession of daily routine. I woke before my master, ate the same processed dog food for my entire life with only morsels of dropped food and a few kind scraps thrown under the table by the kids, and I did my duty guarding the house with an unshaking loyalty.
Yes, I may have eaten my own feces. Yes, I may have humped a couch cushion or two. But who among us is pure as the driven-snow?
How many times did I rescue my family from harm by staving off the imminent danger posed by passing cars, rogue mailmen, and menacing doorbells? Countless. And in return I received only the love of those who cared for me. That is why the criticism imparted by the democratic presidential nominee hurts so deeply.
How can a man with such power make such acutely hurtful and baseless accusations? Is he upset because some of the warnings I gave were unnecessary? Because I would not change a single action nor would I take back a single bark. Better to protect my family from every squirrel than ignore the rodent threat.
Call me overly cautious, and I might even agree, but do not call me, nor my dog faced pony soldier companions liars.