OP-ED by Jedediah the Amish Cyber Bully

Hey you simps, it's me, Jedediah the Amish Cyber Bully. Last night, I was sneaking in a round of Rocket League after Esther and the brood went to bed.

We were playing against some real noobs, me and my cousin Zephaniah that is. He's on Rumpsringa, so he doesn't have to hide his gaming setup in a woodshed running off of a a hand-crank generator like I do.

Anyhow, as I was saying, we were pwning these noobs. I mean it was like these fellows had never driven a car before. An absolute bloodbath, 9-0, as I recall. The chirping picked up and I began to speak ill of his mother.

"Hey you, your mother is so corpulent that she invokes memories of my prize-winning dairy cow" and "Hey, your mother is a wandering harlot and your father owns no land" jibes of that nature.

Then me and Zeph had grown weary of their tomfoolery, so we stopped shooting goals and started targeting for demolitions. I quick-keyed one of the gentlemen "KYS," which he did not take too kindly to, rage-quitting the match and then reporting me to X-Box Live.

Same as I always tell Esther: If you can't handle the heat, then don't stand by the hearth. Now I'm banned from the game for three days. Guess I'll build a barn to pass the time.

DRAGON_420, if you're reading this, I will find you. And I will turn you into a scarecrow.