THE BRONX, NEW YORK - A new challenger has emerged to run against Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) for her House seat in the 14th District of New York. Though many have called him a dark horse candidate, Squirtle, an Independent, sees himself as the return to normalcy amidst growing political polarization.
"Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle," orated the maverick in a stump speech before the International Brotherhood of Teamsters, "Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle."
The Pokemon felt that he could reach out to the diverse constituency of the district. He grew up on those streets and even became entangled in brutal gang warfare as the youngest-ever leader of the notorious "Squirtle Squad."
But after being captured by Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, the pocket monster turned his life around and became an Elite Four Champion.
"I'm voting for Squirtle, because he cares about people like me," explained 300 lbs Bronx trucker, Larry Reynolds, "His voting record in local politics is balanced, and he already knows Bubble Beam!"