Nursing home residents start slowly, ineffectively rioting and looting

Greeley, Colo. - Local nursing home residents have become extremely discontented over recent weeks. So much so that they have taken to rioting and looting very slowly and quite ineffectively.

Since the start of the coronavirus pandemic, most assisted living facilities have been on strict lockdown protocols. This has certainly started to wear on many residents who have grown lonely over the months. But it all started as senior citizen Ernest Lowell caught a glimpse of riots taking place on the news.


"We try to keep them from watching the news," explained activity coordinator, Jamila Hamill. "Too many bad influences on there. We usually keep Andy Griffith or Matlock on, but apparently someone changed the channel without us noticing. Ernest went a little crazy and starting throwing stuff. He couldn't throw it very far, but still…"

Before long, other residents got in on the slow-motion action and a very mild pandemonium broke out. Patients broke into the supply closets and started making off with packages of adult diapers as fast as their walkers would take them. Thankfully, attendants were able to get control of the looting very quickly, but the seed of dentured rebellion had already been planted.

Lowell began leading his fellow "prisoners" in chants like "What do we want? More pudding rations! When do we want it? Now!" As if this wasn't enough, he yelled "You down with OPP?" (Old People Protesting) to which the tired mob roared back "Yeah, you know me!"

At the time of reporting, everyone has settled in for a nap as one of the residents apparently stole sleeping pills and distributed them.


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