NASCAR hires Al Sharpton, Barack Obama, Shaun King to implement “Critical Race-Car Theory”

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. - NASCAR has made waves by hiring three of the nation’s top leaders in race-relations. Al Sharpton, Barack Obama, and Shaun King have all joined the NASCAR team. No, they will not be driving. They will be joining NASCAR’s Race-Relations Committee to help implement the newly developed Critical Race-Car Theory.

Critical Race-Car Theory is the idea that white race-cars are inherently faster than Black and Brown race cars. It posits that these immutable structures are inherent to racing and cannot be changed, rather, Black and Brown racecars suffer under an unyielding weight of oppression wrought by the white racecars. The subjugation is systemic and irreparable.

Black and brown racecars have suffered enough under the boot of white and light-colored cars. Studies have shown that Black and Brown cars suffer from significant disadvantages. A NASCAR press release alleged, “Despite being only 13% of the field, Black racecars are involved in over 30% of crashes. This leads to multi-racial disadvantages as Black and Brown racecars quickly fall behind in points and must make aggressive moves to regain lost ground.”

Preliminary documents from the Race-Relations Committee recommend new rules to rectify these injustices including “repair-ations”, where pit crews of white cars would be forced to repair in-race damage on Black and Brown cars. Other ideas included a multi-lap head start where the darkest car would start first, then one lap later, the next darkest car would begin. NASCAR expects to implement the new rules at the beginning of next season.

Unnamed sources from within NASCAR have reported that every single team has repainted their cars to a dark color scheme to take advantage of the new rules.