My Gen Z Brother writes an episode of Downton Abbey


The following is a teleplay My Gen-Z Brother wrote after watching just one episode of Downton Abbey on an international red-eye flight last fall (Please follow him on TikTok). The Sanguine Penguin proudly presents: "Lord Featherbottom and the Curious Pie Baking Championships."


EXT. DOWNTOWN ABBEY - DAY


People mill about the abbey, which is downtown. LORD FEATHERBOTTOM wears a tophat and stands atop a stage. He is vaguely handsome like a softer, poorly-aging Kurt Russel.

The people are gathered to celebrate Lord Featherbottom's birthday and they all have baked him birthday cakes.


PEASANT NUMBER ONE

Happy birthday M'lord. I hope you liked this cake I baked you.


LORD FEATHERBOTTOM [British accent]

Oi, cheerioh gov'nah. pip pip. This is a jolly good cake, I do declare.


DAME MAGGIE SMITH delivers a witty one-liner under her breath and the BBC gives her a bundle of cash. Everyone politely laughs.


Lord Featherbottom eats his cake while making distinctly British noises.


LORD FLUFFERNUTTER [cont.]

By Jove! This is the worst cake I have ever eaten.


He spits out the cake, which is bad.


DAME MAGGIE SMITH

I know, how about we conduct a cake baking contest. The baker who bakes the tastiest cake will not be entered into this year's Hunger Games.


The people cheer. BBC hands Mags another fat wad of colorful bills.


MONTAGE:


The peasants bake cakes in their houses. (Writer's Note: Did they have ovens in World War One times? Be sure to check before sending script to Netflix.)


The pretty one with the trendy eyebrows says something crushing to the plain one, who cries and runs off to engage an older man with unrequited love.


The judges from the British baking show arrive on the scene.


BBC gives more money to Maggie Smith. Her net worth has grown too high and she has become too powerful. Her mouth opens and a swarm of Maggie Smith's come flying out, each delivering a sharper quip than the last.


The people flee. Downton Abbey has fallen. There is only Dame Maggie Smith.


"To Be Continued..." "?"


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