WASHINGTON - The moon is falling out of the sky and some say that it is the fault of National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID) Director, Doctor Anthony Fauci.
"Everything was going fine until the doctor showed up to a press conference wearing an ancient mask that seemed to poison his mind and control him like a puppet," said MSNBC journalist Guy Smiley.
Reports indicate that the Dr. Fauci forgot his usual facemask at home and, in a panic, robbed a wandering mask salesman to find a suitable replacement. He did not see the disclaimer indicating the artifact would not protect against covid/meeting with a terrible fate.
DC residents have been given 72 hours to escape the city before the moon makes impact and destroys all existence. But the issue has found sharp division along partisan lines.
"The moon is a hoax!" shouted one protester, "Stanley Kubrick knew it and so do I!"
"The moon can't hurt us if we never leave our homes," claimed another, "except to buy groceries and protest the government."
"The moon is real and potentially dangerous," said a third demonstrator on a very large sign, "But I think that the issue has been overblown by a 24 hour news cycle that makes a buck off of public hysteria and politicized by opportunistic government actors who wish to exert greater control over the American people to usher in a new era of Marxist policies amidst the panic. However, I believe that the individual should be left to make intelligent choices that are right for his or her family and take the proper precautions to minimize the potential damage of this disaster to both our national physical and economic health,"
The libertarian was mercilessly clubbed to death by the other two sides.
The fate of Washington hangs in the balance. 48 hours remain.
At press time, a little boy dressed in green is allegedly breaking into people's houses and shattering their vases for money.
EDIT: The little green looter has been apprehended remains in the custody of Metropolitan Police.