Missionary won’t admit he learned Spanish by watching “Narcos”

BOGOTÁ, COLOMBIA – American Missionary Todd Newport “didn’t know a sombrero from a cerveza” before setting out to plant churches in Bogotá last year.

Though some have called it a modern-day Upper Room Experience, Newport’s Colombian Counterpart, Pastor Santiago Jiménez, is “pretty sure” that the American’s linguistic proficiency stems from binge-watching “Narcos,” the grisly Netflix original depicting the rise and fall of drug kingpin Pablo Escobar.

“When Brother Newport first arrived, he often swore and most of his vocabulary related to cocaine trafficking,” Jiménez, revealed “Plus, he asked that everyone call him ‘El Patrón.’”

Jiménez said that his suspicion mounted after the American set up an elaborate network to smuggle the Word of God through the Americas by air, land, and sea. At the height of his ministry, sources reveal that Newport was shipping two thousand kilos of Bibles a week.

“The young man has reached a record-breaking number of people with the Love of Jesus Christ, but I wish he’d dial it down a notch with the other missionaries,” commented Regional Missions Director Charles Kipling, referring to the so-called “turf war” in which Newport expanded his territory by driving out neighboring missionaries with prayer and fasting.

Newport denies all allegations, insisting that his fluency is a miracle from God, “I dedicated myself to study and became fluent in just three seasons… uh sessions… three prayer sessions.”