Updated: Aug 11, 2020
AUSTIN, Texas - After watching 96 consecutive hours of Fox News, local conservative, Zach Johnson, came up with a solution about how to own the libs once and for all: by opening a Krav M.A.G.A. Dojo.
"I am a highly trained cultural warrior. As a boy, I studied in the hallowed dojos of Sensei Rush Limbaugh and Ben Shapiro-san," said the 23 year-old prepping enthusiast with prediabetes. "I founded my dojo to pass on these ancient conservative principles to my disciples," he added, referring to the gaggle of seven year-olds whose parents didn't read the flyer closely.
Johnson says that his primary concentration is on "facts and logic" style combat, but he also dabbles in "what about-ism" if he's backed into a corner. But he explicitly forbids his students from exercising the dishonorable "ad hominem" attack, what he calls "the primary fighting method of the Leftist schools."
But it hasn't been all smooth sailing for Johnson.
"I sent my little Timmy to the dojo to learn how to defend himself from bullies," complained Randy Stebbins, the father of one of Johnson's acolytes, "But now he won't shut up about the dangers of cancel culture and the Marxist bias of our cultural institutions... and he's getting beat up even more!"
Johnson says that he's opened up sparring to the social justice warriors from the rival dojo across the street, the local Starbucks, but so far none of them have taken up his offer. Until he gets a proper fight, he plans to continue practicing his skills in the comment section of Youtube videos.