HEAVEN – The Kingdom of God has released the projected Heavenly budget for fiscal year 2021, revealing severe cuts in funding to The Lord’s Army.
“People just don’t tithe like they used to,” lamented Heavenly spokesman, local Pentecostal prophet George Clarkson, “And we’ve already borrowed too much money from the Chinese.”
In practical terms, the cuts mean a decrease in cost of living allowance (COLA) to all forward-deployed missionaries around the world, and rampant base realignment and closure (BRAC) for churches. Additionally, the ambitious but over-budget advanced weapons system, “Sword of the Spirit” will be further delayed into the next decade.
The announcement comes at an especially difficult time for the Lord’s Army, amidst a readiness crisis coming from the Reserves, 85% of whom haven’t completed basic deployment requirements like graduating from Vacation Bible School. Additionally, popular support has waned for the service’s involvement in the Middle East, a conflict that has dragged on since the literal creation of man.
The Lord’s army plans on dealing with the cuts while maintaining manning requirements by lowering the recruiting age and paying children less than their adult counterparts.
“Now they truly can march in the infantry, ride in the cavalry, shoot the artillery” confirmed service chief, Archangel Michael.
Though the situation may look bleak, experts insist that budget cuts have always hampered the Lord’s military forces.
“Why do you think it took the angels in the Book of Daniel 21 days to get through Persia to answer Daniel’s prayer?” posed Biblical scholar Ken Armstrong, “One word: Sequestration.”