Local Mom Still Using ‘They’re Only This Age Once’ As Excuse For Extravagant Birthdays



Denver, CO - Local mother Willa Arbery was recently caught in an act of emotional extortion. She has been tricking her husband, Troy, into throwing extravagant birthday parties for their children for decades by using the excuse “they’re only this age once”.


      Mrs. Arbery denies extortion and claims she is not exaggerating when she uses this reasoning. “It’s true, isn’t it? The fact that our daughter is twenty two does not change the truth. And if Troy really has a problem with it, why did it take him twenty two years to figure it out?”


      Her husband is not taking the “emotional and financial abuse”, as he calls it, lying down. “No more expensive birthdays. I haven’t been able to afford a vacation in years. I never got to modify the mower like I wanted to. The gym membership I never used, but had to give up? Yeah I’m getting that back. I still probably won’t use it, but it’s the principle of the thing.”


      To clarify, Troy is not going to sue or divorce his wife. He is just planning to “put his foot down”, which, in the history of mankind, has never worked.


      “This goes deeper than any one realizes,” Mr. Arbery continued, “She doesn’t just do this for birthdays. She does this every Halloween, Christmas, and Easter. And worse, she makes me take her on lavish dates for Valentine’s Day by saying, ‘Don’t you care about our relationship?’ It has to stop.”

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