Jake Tapper - ‘Santa must want people to die’

WASHINGTON - CNN’s Chief Washington corespondent Jake Tapper has implicated Santa in scandal if Christmas proceeds as normal this year, saying “Santa must want people to die.”

“If Father Christmas doesn’t make any alterations this year, he will endanger children all over the world. Christmas could be the biggest super-spreader we have seen yet.” Looking into the camera with all the sincerity he could muster, Tapper pleaded with him, “Please Santa, if you care about people as much as you say you do, give us the gift of social distance this year.”

His statement was clearly meant to challenge Ol’ Saint Nick into submission, but pundits are skeptical the move will work. “Santa has never fallen for intimidation and bully tactics,” shared expert Skot Farkus. “It’s hard to flip the narrative on the greatest philanthropist to ever live.”

When asked whether or not he would cave, Mr. Kringle laughed as his belly jiggled like a bowlful of jelly. “No, no, no! Why, Jakey’s just mad because he never got that easy bake oven he asked for years ago. He had a long list and he wasn’t particularly good that year. Some kids just never learn to let go.”

An inside anonymous source at the North Pole has stated that they are not surprised by this statement as Tapper has been on the naughty list for some time.