Jack Dorsey - "Can We Even Be Sure History Really Happened?"


Washington, DC - Twitter CEO and future indie rock sensation, Jack Dorsey received a lot of attention in his recent Senate hearing for his interesting take on history - that it might not have even happened.


The bearded tech mogul stood, or maybe sat, before the Senate via digital transmission and blatantly defended world leaders and their revisionist views of world history. It seemed like he was just playing devil's advocate until he queried, "Can we even be sure history really happened?"


Republican Senators Roger Wicker (MS) and Cory Gardner (CO) sat open-jawed and wide-eyed in disbelief for what felt like minutes. "Umm.." murmured Gardner, fumbling through papers, "So, just to be clear, you mean that all history is subjective?"


"I will have to get back to you on that," replied an almost reptilian Dorsey. He continued to say that historical accounts of war crimes and genocides could only be counted as speculative since, as he so pointedly stated, "I wasn't there. Were you there?"


Distracted by the glint off of Dorsey's nose ring, Senator Wicker shook his head to loosen up and continued to try to interrogate what may or may not have been an extraterrestrial. "So, is it Twitter's policy, then, to allow dangerous misinformation and terroristic propaganda to spread on your site?"


"Not at all," the disheveled looking and possibly homeless billionaire responded. "It's just that facts are only possible to pinpoint when they are fresh and observable. We can't possibly know what may or may not have happened in the past. Conjecture is dangerous."


The senators stammered for another few minutes as they tried to make sense of what they were hearing, but to no avail. They prepared for more revisionism with Facebook's Zuckerberg, however his Facebook live feed failed to connect.


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