Updated: Dec 1, 2020
NORTH POLE – The final days of 2020 bring with them allegations of sexual misconduct against yet another beloved celebrity: Kris Kringle. For centuries, the jolly man in red has forcibly entered the homes of several million children across the world. Sources indicate that each year he crafts his plot, carefully tracking the youngsters’ every movement and recording their activities onto his expansive database.
“That sicko even checked twice,” commented Grandma who was about to blow the lid on the whole conspiracy before being run over by a reindeer. At press, no actual facts have been released, so we at the Penguin can only speculate, but speculate, we shall.
“I would never commit such heinous crimes,” pleaded alleged sex-pervert, Saint Nicholas at a press conference. Mrs. Claus stood stoically by his side, lock-jawed as her husband denied the claims. “This is character defamation, false accusations from children on my naughty list!”
This naughty list is a reference to those youths who purportedly did not receive gift-wrapped payoff to keep their mouths shut.
This isn’t the first time Santa has faced controversy. In the ‘40s, the scandal was kids shooting their eyes out with BB guns delivered against the wishes of their mothers. In 1996, Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls from his workshop were found to contain harmful subliminal messages when their catchphrases were played backwards. In 2003, a human child was released from the North Pole after being abducted and raised as an elf for nearly thirty years.
Frosty the Snowman claims that the fat man’s misdeeds were a well-known industry secret.
“That slush-ball, Frosty, is just virtue-signaling to deflect from his own scandal,” said an enraged Rudolph the Reindeer, “I mean, I don’t see Santa dancing around with children dressed in nothing but a magical top hat.”
Unnamed sources reveal that the claims against Santa are even hinted at in traditional Christmas songs. The “Here Comes Santa Claus” lyric, “So jump in bed, and cover your head, 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight,” is far less whimsical in light of these new accusations. And “Santa Baby” illustrates a clear case of a woman beholden to a man in power. Even young Michael Jackson tried to warn us after being traumatized as a child, watching Father Christmas force himself upon his mother under the mistletoe.
Further investigation reveals that Santa Claus is, in fact, the common thread between all troubled celebrities themselves accused of sexual assault. Every last one of these men at one time or another had their photo taken on the lap of that bearded miscreant.
“What a vicious circle of systemic abuse,” lamented celebrated Hollywood actor, Matt Damon, “It’s clear that our country’s sexual assault epidemic begins and ends with Santa Claus. And we shouldn’t dig any further,” he added nervously.
The ACLU has also censured Kringle, but for an unexpected reason. “That bigot only abuses Christian children,” ranted a long-haired lawyer in an ill-fitting suit, “He refuses to even stop by the houses of Muslims, Jews, or poor kids.”
At press time, Mall Santas across the country are being rounded up and charged without questioning. Christmas is cancelled.