Governor Newsom mandates all Californians wear tinfoil hats to counter climate change

Updated: Nov 17, 2020


Sacramento, CA - California Governor Gavin Newsom released a statement commanding all Californians to wear tinfoil hats in order to counter climate change.


During the press release, Newsom declared "I could not be more proud of how our great state reacted with such complicity to the recent Trump virus pandemic. All of you, except for those who belong to John MacArthur's church, are a shining example to the rest of our nation of how to blindly trust your leaders. With that in mind, I come to you with another request. It has come to our attention that there is something each of you can do about climate change."


Leaning down behind his podium, the governor rose with a hat made out of tinfoil. Some members of the crowd chuckled behind their masks until he shouted, "Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Don your hats or suffer the consequences of a dying planet!" 


As the gathering fell silent, people began dispersing sheets of tinfoil while an instructor showed them how to form a super-fashionable headdress. Most press members were compliant and quickly made their hats and adorned their heads. One journalist questioned what was happening, but was soon shut down.


"You dare defy the great and powerful one!?" Newsom's voice boomed. The man recanted his question and created a head covering for himself.

The conference concluded with governor Newsom requiring everyone to do the “Cha Cha

Slide” and drinking Kool Aid that was probably totally safe. "Now," the governor continued, "go forth and spread the good news of our ability to save our planet. Only you can prevent climate change!"


After the press conference, Newsom was seen removing his hat and laughing maniacally, before he summoned the Planeteers and flew off into a wildfire emblazoned sunset.

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