Gavin Newsom Sees Shadow, Disneyland to Remain Closed for Six More Weeks

In a shocking to no one, non-turn of events, Gavin Newsom has, yet again, demanded the “Happiest Place on Earth” remain closed.  The Governor gave a press conference saying: “If I’m scared, there can be no joy. And let me tell you now, spooky season is among us.”

Newsom sent a team of ‘lockdown professionals’ to visit Walt Disney World in Florida, but they were terrified of what they saw.  Literally dozens of families were there… just… having fun.  They knew then, that this could not happen in California, despite the fact that no COVID infections have been traced back to the House of Mouse.

We spoke with a Southern California resident to see how the closure is affecting locals.  Barbara Chapek, a single mother of two middle school boys, had this to say, “Well usually I rely on the public school system for childcare, but these days I have few options. I would kill to be able to let my kids loose in Disneyland while I work my second shift waitressing job, that I had to pick up to afford power for our house that works like 80% of the time.”

Chairman of the Disney Parks Department, Josh D’Amaro said of Newsom’s announcement, “If he wants to see something spooky, why doesn’t he take a walk in my shoes? I spent my first 3 years at Disney mopping the floors of the Haunted Mansion”.

Later in the day, the whole gang: Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, and Donald were seen begging for spare change on the I-5 off ramps in Anaheim.