NEW YORK - Newborn Joshua Sanderson is grateful that he was born just one day before his expected due date, the Penguin has learned. Sources say that Sanderson’s mother, Rebecca Temple-Sanderson, was just a five minute drive away from the abortionist when she went into labor.
“I’m such a serial procrastinator,” Temple-Sanderson lamented in an interview, “I mean, I totally meant to get this taken care of a few months back, but it just really sucks having to make your own doctor’s appointments, you know?”
After her water broke, the woman allegedly hobbled to her car clenching with all her might and muttering “Oh no you don’t.” She then drove herself to Planned Parenthood in a desperate race against the clock. But the brave, progressive woman’s willpower was no match for the long red light just 3 blocks from the abortionist’s office.
A fellow motorist stepped in to assist in the delivery of the perfectly healthy clump of cells, who came in at a whopping 12.3 lbs, 25 inches.
“It’s like he was desperately clawing out the birth canal in this strange innate desire to live,” commented the religious zealot bystander who delighted in his opportunity to take away a woman’s right to choose. “I’m pretty sure I saw the little guy clamp on and push himself out with his own upper body strength as his mother tried to lodge him back in.”
Just minutes after giving birth, Sanderson-Temple completed the trip and rushed to the front desk, baby still attached by the umbilical cord. Unfortunately for her, the organization was unable to perform the abortion, because the backwards, Puritanical state of New York still refused to recognize invocation of “the five second rule.”