Fauci Recommends Wearing Mask, Goggles, Post-Apocalyptic Battle Gear



Edwards, Calif. - Dr Anthony Fauci was asked about his recent comments concerning adding goggles to wearing masks in order to lessen the spread of COVID-19. His answer was surprising, even for right-wing conspiracy theorists - he recommends donning full post-apocalyptic battle gear.


The enigmatic doctor was spotted by members of the press at an impromptu Mad Max cosplay convention. The annual “Wasteland Weekend” is normally a yearly event, but as with many other gatherings, it has been postponed until 2021. Fauci, an unexpectedly enthusiastic fan of the dystopian action franchise, and his friends decided to establish a much more intimate affair. He was taken off guard by the reporters who flocked to the spike and leather-clad doctor.


“Oh, what a day for an interview,” he stated, “What a lovely day!” Confused reporters asked him if he was testing the efficiency of new viral protective gear, to which he replied, “Um...yes. I mean masks and goggles are extremely effective at containing the virus, but why stop there? Spiked shoulder pads and chest pieces with skulls are an extreme help with keeping people socially distant.” 


One correspondent inquired about the armored vehicles in the background. “Well, we figure that as COVID-19 continues to spread,  fuel will become more and more scarce. Better be prepared to face the Wasteland. Tricked out trucks with blades and custom dirt bikes could be the key to survival.”


When asked why he himself wasn’t wearing a mask, he sprayed his teeth with chrome spraypaint and declared, “Witness me! If I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die historic at Wasteland Weekend!” Though some declared it “mediocre”, his exclamation was met overall with acclaim.


In a closing statement, Fauci offered white powder paired with dark eye makeup as a deterrent for coronavirus. He also alluded to an idea he had for what he called “thunderdome” where survivors could battle to ensure their worth.  Still up for debate is the wearing of ear coverings because, well, ears are gross.

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