Salt Lake City, Utah – The newest polygamy-based spin-off of ABC's hit reality dating show “The Bachelor" ended abruptly after just one episode when the bachelor chose all 25 contestants to be his wives.
“You are all very pretty, and I assume excellent breeding stock,” said this season’s bachelor, software designer and alleged cult leader, Jeremiah Bland, “Come, sojourn with me to my family’s walled compound in the mountains. The 26 passenger van awaits!”
Show host Chris Harrison explained to Bland that he must at least send home ten of the girls, but the young, charismatic man with excellent bone structure and empty eyes wouldn’t hear of it.
“That’s when Jeremiah grabbed my cheeks, pressed his weirdly sweaty forehead to mine, and looked into the inner depths of my soul,” shared Harrison, “He asked me ‘do you want to see how you are going to die?’ and with the snap of his fingers, I could see all of his thoughts as well as my own birth. Then I blacked out and woke up with him swaddling me in the Jacuzzi. It was magical.”
Harrison subsequently announced his retirement from the show and shared his plans to squeeze into the eight row windowless van and join what he calls, “The One True Bachelor Nation”