Conservatives plot revenge on Democratic Party

Updated: Nov 23, 2020

UNITED STATES - American conservative voters are reportedly protesting the results of the election enmasse by going back to their jobs and lives as normal.

While many on the other side of the aisle expected pandemonium no matter who won the election, conservatives are notorious for having jobs and families to take care of. "I wouldn't have the time or energy to protest in the streets if I wanted to," explained Mississippi working mom, Estellene Cowell. "I got mouths to feed and bills to pay. Plus someone's gotta pay the taxes they live off of.”

“I’m gonna plow right through those liberal cities,” added Texas truck driver Phil Lang. "I’ve got goods to deliver, after all. I also figure I better stock up on ammo. Not that I plan to shoot anyone. I just like guns. A lot."

“It’s time we ran a line through this country again,” North Dakota natural gas line worker, Clint Massey commented, “I didn’t vote for Biden. I didn’t want him to win. I think his policies will ruin this country. I reckon I better get back to work, though. I’ve got to do my part to keep the machine running, you know?”

"I'm gonna stick it to the man," declared Ohio farmer Trevor Hall, as he sharpened his pitchfork. "I'll start by pitching this hay. Then I'll feed the pigs. Maybe after that I'll write a letter to my congressman if I have time."

Liberals, meanwhile, are reportedly honing their brick-lobbing skills and working on new picket sign slogans just in case the results are overturned.