Updated: Sep 27, 2020
BEIJING, China - In a massive deal, China has just purchased the entire NBA. This marks one of the largest business transactions in the past decade and is by a wide margin the most expensive sports deal in history. The details have been kept mostly under wraps, but leaks have hinted at a final price of over $115 billion, or ¥798 billion.
The move comes amid massive controversy from claims that the NBA is simply a puppet of China, pandering to the regime and overlooking massive human rights violations throughout the country in order to develop its Chinese market. With its purchase, China has cleared up any confusion by more clearly affirming that the NBA is simply a puppet of China, pandering to the regime and overlooking massive human rights violations throughout the country in order to develop its Chinese market.
The league insists there will be no foundational changes to the game and teams will still be based in the US in order to maximize Chinese Communist Party (CCP) propaganda value. There will however be multiple changes to ceremonies and marketing. For example, each team will be required to adopt a new Chinese team name.
The Dallas Mavericks will become the Dallas Conformists while the Los Angeles Lakers have already announced they will be called the Los Angeles Most Glorious And Loyal Lake Dragons. Additionally, two national anthems will be played prior to each game. The Chinese national anthem will be played first, and players will stand. Then, the American national anthem will be played with players having the option to either kneel or be fired.
Chinese citizens are ecstatic over the move. When interviewed, Bao Caihong, who is apparently an avid basketball fan, said, "We love the NBA. We are so proud of our government for making this deal. I am so happy that China has bought the NBA and I am also glad the CCP has provided for me and my family and that we are not oppressed in any way. Thank you President Xi."
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver seemed pleased with the deal as well, announcing at a press conference, “We welcome all our new Chinese fans and look forward to making heaps of money with our new owners, oh and we also look forward to playing basketball.”
A Sanguine Penguin reporter asked for comment about Hong Kong, but we were all promptly sent to a re-education camp.