NEW YORK – Little Jimmy Fitzgibbons has toppled the hug coupons market today, the Penguin has learned. The plucky seven year-old launched the nation into a new recession after giving his mother a birthday hug coupon totaling “infinity hugs.” Reports indicate that he passed out several identical vouchers to half a dozen other relatives for Christmas.
“Children make up 22% of the United States population, totaling 73,399,342 service providers according to 2018 census data,” commented Jim Cramer of Mad Money, “With one to three ‘free’ hugs allotted annually for dads and five to ten for moms, adjusting for single-parent households, which account for 16% of families, we’re talking an industry volume of 419 million to 931 million units annually… and that’s just in the U.S. The global market just can’t sustain the output Fitzgibbons has introduced.”
The Great Hug Crisis has already bankrupted the Chinese economy, where hug rates were already overinflated following the influx since the end of the One Child Policy.
“We had a lot of money tied up in foreign hugs and now it’s all gone, all of it,” said inconsolable hedge fund manager, Chadwick R. Dinkelvoss, throwing himself off of his Manhattan office building.
Some politicians saw a silver lining in the doom and gloom of downward spiraling markets, however.
“We can always just print more hugs,” said Senator Bernie Sanders, “The little boy, however, must be taxed. Nobody should be out there giving a billion hugs.”
Vice President Biden consoled Fitzgibbons during a bizarre town hall, assuring the upset child that even though he had tanked the economy, Biden would still be there to give those hugs to Mrs. Fitzgibbons.