ATLANTA, Ga. - Former Gotham City DA, Harvey Dent has been selected by the Centers for Disease Control to head up a group that will sadistically choose who gets the new Coronavirus vaccine.
Dent declared his excitement for the opportunity in a statement to the press. "I humbly accept this responsibility as Chairman of the Coronavirus Prevention Panel. We are going to do our best to determine who stands in the greatest need of the vaccine for earliest dispersal. While it is not an enviable position," he continued while fiddling with a coin, "I was forced to make tough decisions as Gotham's District Attorney every day I was in office. And I think we can all agree that Gotham's streets are cleaner for it."
One man in the crowd cheered, "I believe in Harvey Dent!" Waiting for the applause to die down, Dent went on to explain the process by which the decisions would be made. "We will take victim-I mean patients one by one and tie them to a chair in a dark alley. I will then decide their fate with this," he explained as he held up a coin with a head on either side, but with one side darkened.
The gasps and murmurings of the crowd were deafening, but Dent assured them that some of his best decisions were made in dark alleyways with his coin. A corespondent for GCN boldly asked whether he really felt it was in the best interest of the people to use such a method. Dent replied with a smile, "The only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair. Now let's start this party with a bang!" Inviting the reporter up, he proceeded to tie him to a chair and showing him the polished side he said, "You live," and turning it around he said, "You die 0.02% of the time." The crowd looked on in fear, but thankfully the journalist got his vaccination and lived to fight another day.
Taking questions from the crowd, Dent was taken aback by accusations that Gotham's own Batman may have been responsible for the outbreak in the first place. "Very well, then," he said reluctantly, "take the Batman into custody. I am the Batman." Confused officers clumsily moved forward to arrest him, but Dent quickly deflected. "I'm just kidding. I'm not the Batman. A guy who dresses in a batsuit clearly has issues."