Captain Jack Sparrow declares "COVID-19 rules are really more like guidelines anyways"

Tortuga – Legendary Captain Jack Sparrow has finally been caught. He was captured after police responded to a report of someone pillaging a Walmart in Tortuga without a mask. Tortugan Police Chief Manuel Montego spoke after the arrest, saying, “We’ve been after Jack Sparrow for a number of years now. His crimes include piracy, murder, smuggling, arson, stealing a ship from Her Majesty’s Navy, and worst of all, not wearing a mask in public.”

The judicial system moved quickly to bring the pirate to trial. Captain Jack Sparrow plead his case, calling the coronavirus restrictions, “really more like guidelines anyways.” He was unable to win any sympathy from the jury and was sentenced to hang for his crimes immediately, before he can be sprung from jail. “We just can’t take the risk of someone going out on the streets, patronizing our brothels, and stealing from our citizens without wearing a mask. He puts us all at risk, so we have no choice but to hang him,” said judge Robert Alvarez.

Local officials say the hanging will be held outdoors and will be socially distanced.