• Tom Baker

Biden: You’re only a Christian if you demand others pay your healthcare at gunpoint

ERIE, Pa. – Joe Biden spoke to a small crowd of roughly fourteen cars. The presidential candidate was afraid of the automobiles at first but settled down after his aides explained to him that they weren't alive like the cars from the Pixar movies.

Mr. Biden then launched into his final pitch, “C’mon man. You know that only real Christians threaten the lives of their neighbors when they have medical bills to pay. The only solution is to point the proverbial gun of government at someone else.” He continued, “A lot of Evangelicals may say that personal responsibility and charity can take care of these problems, but they’re flat wrong. If there’s anything my Catholic upbringing taught me, you don’t get into heaven without demanding money from others paired with heaping guilt.”

The audience, in their cars, began honking in an attempt to simulate applause. This startled the septuagenarian candidate, and he ran back stage to be comforted by Dr. Jill.


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