Biden’s ventriloquist warms up for speech

MILWAUKEE, Wis. - A ventriloquist was spotted warming up backstage before Joe Biden’s speech at the Democratic National Convention. The entertainer, Kamala Harris, will reportedly be speaking for the Vice President.

“Hello everyone! My name is Joe Biden and I hope to be the next President of the United States of America!” said the incredibly lifelike, wooden puppet seated on Harris's knee.

When the dummy delivered an entire speech without gaffing, crowds began to grow suspicious. Noticing the shift in the room, the puppet suddenly snapped to and started regaling them with tales of his misadventures alongside a fella named Corn-pop, and the time small children used to caress his leg hair.

“Thank you folks! I’m Joe Biden and I’m no dummy!”

The act was received with gleeful applause from all but the Fox news representative who remained in horrified shock. “Not to put words in your mouth, but aren’t you afraid that people won’t take you seriously?” asked one reporter.

“Well, that’s never stopped me before!” replied the puppet, which sent roars of laughter through the press members.

“No one speaks for me,” he continued, “I will not be controlled by anyone. Not even this one,” the doll teased, looking at Harris, who looked back with a sheepish grin.

While the performance was reportedly “pretty good”, leaders in the party are considering Jeff Dunham for the role. They may even allow him to swap in his own dummy, Walter, as “no one will probably even notice. Knock on wood.”