Biden’s Doctor Says He is in “Perfect Health”

WILMINGTON, Del. - Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has so far weathered numerous attacks on his health, poorly. In an attempt to dissuade rumors of his decline, the Biden campaign has hired an independent doctor to review the health of Mr. Biden. World renowned Dr. Evil was hired last month for the job and released his report yesterday.

The report concludes that former Vice President Biden is in “perfect health”. “It’s as if he was frozen for 40 years and just woke up” the report says. But GOP attacks on the impartiality of the report have marred the results.

Dr. Evil is a long-time supporter of democratic politicians as they also would like to see the world destroyed. Dr. Evil is said to prefer to destroy the world with giant lasers, but a spokesman for the doctor admitted that democrat policies supporting criminal destruction of property and releasing violent offenders is “pretty evil too”.

Other GOP attackers have criticized the campaign for buying off the renowned doctor. The Biden campaign is said to have paid Dr. Evil one million dollars for his analysis.

When asked for comment, a Biden campaign spokesman, Will Sandusky, stated, “The report was unequivocal, Mr. Biden is absolutely healthy and cognitively at the prime of his life, and no, he will not be taking any questions.”