WASHINGTON - As he prepares policy for his presidency, media-declared POTUS Joe Biden has proposed what he calls the Louisiana Repurchase, the resale of continental land to the French.
“Look, guys,” he began his statement, “we can’t really afford to keep all this land. The majority of our citizens live in major cities. These flyover states aren’t carrying their weight. If we want to see America recover from the Trump presidency, we need to get rid of the dead weight.”
“Plus, We need the money to pay for foreign wars, just like that midget, Napoleon. Gotta pay off those Iranians again. And, trust me, a pallet of cash ain’t cheap. I’ve only seen two in my life, and the one my family got from Ukraine wasn't even that big.”
“To help you understand what we’re talking about here, my staffers prepared a graph. The states whose majority is in blue are the states we keep. The outlined states in red, we sell back to France. As you can see, we added in a few states to sweeten the deal.”
One reporter pointed out that it was just an election map and asked if he was suggesting we get rid of predominantly Republican states. “Are you calling me a liar?” Biden snapped. “Listen here, you ninny, you can’t slap a camel and expect it to spit from its butt.”
“The point here is that it’s time to cut out the gout that’s infecting America. Where do you find gout? In the foot. It’s in the foot, people. Louisiana is shaped like a boot, so that’s where we start.”