Philadelphia, Pa. - Democratic Presidential Candidate and former Vice President, Joe Biden was spotted emerging from under a rock to promote what he referred to as "vaccine by mail". Unsure if this was just the latest in a series of gaffes from the eccentric politician, interviewers were quick to ask if he meant "vote by mail". Biden sharply replied, "What do you take me for, some kind of senile old man? You're short on ears and long on mouth! I won't be wronged. I won't be insulted. I won't be laid a-hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.”
Taken aback and understandably confused, reporters moved on to piece together the tapestry of punchy John Wayne quotes and somehow connect them to the question. "So you suggest what, then, sending a COVID19 vaccine to every American in the mail for them to apply themselves?"
The former senator's inexplicably confident response took them down another rabbit hole that closely resembled a Qanon conspiracy theory - "Absolutely! A vial and needle for every American. We need to get back to trusting American ingenuity. We figured out how to use needles in the seventies. We can do it again."
"Mr. Vice President, are you confessing to using illicit drugs?" one brave correspondent inquired.
"Illicit is a state of mind, bucko. And yeah, I've been there. Drugs. No drugs. What's the difference? Aren't we all on drugs these days? Love. That's a drug. Robert Palmer was addicted to it. Great song there. But you wouldn't know about that, now would you, you muttonhead?"
The insulted reporter stood complacent in shock while Biden continued to ramble. “I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be darn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.”
Somehow inspired by the words of the austere Democratic scholar, the journalist apologized for being too sensitive. Biden concluded the press conference by stating, “Never apologize, mister, it’s a sign of weakness. Sorry don't get it done, dude."