• Regina Orwell

Biden promotes vacations to COVID hot spots

UNITED STATES - Johnson & Johnson has begun final clinical trials for a COVID-19 vaccine. Dr. Paul Stoffels, the chief scientific officer of J&J, believes the company should know if the vaccine is safe and effective by the end of this year.

But democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is skeptical. "If something seems too good to be true, it probably is," Biden said. "I trust vaccines. I trust scientists. But I don't trust Donald Trump."

Biden's concern is well-founded. Trump certainly has the potential to meddle in vaccine development. He demonstrated a nuanced understanding of vaccination during the GOP debate in 2015: "I am totally in favor of vaccines. But I want smaller doses over a longer period of time. Same exact amount, but you take this little beautiful baby, and you pump--I mean, it looks just like it's meant for a horse, not for a child, and we've had so many instances, people that work for me. ... [in which] a child, a beautiful child went to have the vaccine, and came back and a week later had a tremendous fever, got very, very sick, now is autistic."

"Even if Trump didn't directly tamper with the vaccine, he could have indirectly influenced the vaccine through insiders at J&J," Biden warned. Trump was recently seen having dinner with J&J CEO Alex Gorsky. Upon further investigation, it appears that Gorsky donated $1000 to John McCain in 2008 and may therefore by republican, i.e. at the behest of Trump.

But there is some reassuring news - the entire U.S. population won't be killed by the Trump vaccine, because only 49% of Americans plan on getting the COVID-19 vaccine anyway, according to a recent poll. Thank God. "I don't want the vaccine, because the name of the vaccine initiative, Operation Warp Speed, freaks me the f out," said one citizen who wished to remain anonymous. "I don't want the vaccine, because I refuse to support big pharma," said Rebecca, a student at Yale University.

Further, we can still save the 49% of Americans who are planning to get vaccinated. In a recent press conference, Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's top infectious disease official, said: "We need 70% of the population to develop immunity in order to break the pandemic. People can acquire this immunity either by getting a vaccine or by getting coronavirus."

Biden realized the obvious solution and is strongly encouraging Americans to take the latter route. "I recommend people visit COVID-19 hot spots, such as Woodward, Oklahoma and Emmons, North Dakota," Biden said. "Make a vacation out of it."