Biden promises to release hostages dangling over boiling lava if Batman will vote blue


Gotham City, Probably NJ - Following an incident involving a vat of experimental blue goo, president elect Joe Biden has joined Gotham's criminal underworld and is now demanding that Batman vote Democrat in the Georgia runoff. If the caped crusader does not comply, Biden will drop a group of kidnapped orphans into a boiling lava pit.

Batman has been notoriously pro-life over the years. He does not even believe in killing mass murderers and terrorists, but brutally maiming and even paralyzing them instead. While he himself does not use guns for self-defense, he is vehemently pro-grappling gun. No voting record exists for Gotham's dark knight, but it is assumed he has been voting Republican under some alias.

Biden's sadistic setup comes as a surprise to many, but his crime lord colleagues who know him as "The Sniffer" say "he's just getting started." Oswald Cobblepot, former mayor of Gotham, stated, "Sniffy has some new tricks and friends up his sleeve now. He won't be outwitted or underestimated anymore. With Gotham's former DA and myself backing him up, the Bat and his Republican goons don't stand a chance."

Asked for comment about his methods, the president to be declared, "Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb, you know? Go back to your studies. Believe me: nothing in life is free! This money goes towards building better roads, so we all must do our part! Sorry, I sorta lost track of the question. Maybe my mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to me on the way across town, eh?"

In a desperate attempt to move on, another reporter quickly changed gears by asking about the reliability of the voting system in Georgia. The former Vice President snapped, "I swear by all that is funny, I shall never be foiled by that insidious, unconstitutional device again!"

Batman was unable to be reached for comment, but a group of unconscious thug's bodies were discovered later, laid out to form the letters "M-A-G-A".



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