WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez criticized the federal government this week for its massive investment in rescue missions to save Matt Damon.
“That money could have like been used to build trains or given to at-risk teens, and stuff” tweeted the 30 year-old former bartender in a whirlwind of clapping emojis, “But instead, our fascist dictatorship used it to help a cis, straight, white man.”
Tom Hanks, Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hatthaway, and Jessica Chastain all expressed their regret in their complicity with supporting the structures that allowed for the systemic oppression of the underclass while serving the interests of horrible person/intergalactic hide-and-seek champion Matt Damon.
The angry congresswoman went on to castigate the actor for his carelessness. “A woman wouldn’t have gotten lost on Mars or World War II or on an ice planet. She would have stopped and asked for directions. Do better, Matt Damon.”
Damon replied with the following apology:
“I’m sorry for stealing the spotlight on the Mars mission from my fellow astronauts of differing creeds and colors. I'm sorry for selfishly luring Matthew and Anne and that sassy robot to a desolate planet. But mostly I'm sorry for my culpability in pretending to fight the Nazis under this racist American flag. I apologize to those I have hurt and I look forward to learning and striving to be better.”
At press time, Damon is allegedly stuck in a leftist echo chamber with no hope of escape.