WASHINGTON – Last year, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) threatened that Democratic Representatives who sided with Republicans would be “putting themselves on a list.”
The Penguin has recovered the aforementioned list, a hot pink binder stamped with the words “Burn Book,” accompanied by a lipstick mark. The publication, allegedly composed by Ocasio-Cortez along with fellow freshmen representatives, Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), savaged other members of their party, especially senior leadership:
“‘Medicaid for all?’ Bernie is a Pusher, A SAD OLD DRUG PUSHER.”
“Beto O’Rourke… He doesn’t even go here.”
“The only house Nancy Pelosi should be speaker of is a retirement home. She isn't even that pretty!"
Facing blowback following the list’s release, AOC claimed that the document was just a first draft not fit for publication and attempted to have it removed from the internet.
“Like, Oh my God. I just can’t even. This is so unfair, I couldn’t have made the Burn Book, because I’m in it!” lamented the 30 year-old former bartender, flipping to the page which features her picture and the following words in her own handwriting: “Alex, Stop trying to make the green new deal happen. It's not going to happen!”
When confronted with the allegations against the junior members of her party, Speaker Pelosi didn’t look that surprised, though it may have been the botox.
“I’m not like a regular Speaker of the House. I’m a cool Speaker of the House,” said Pelosi, throwing out a dab to show that she is down with the youth. “These girls keep me young.”