Milwaukee, WI - As hundreds of local police departments have refused to provide security for the Democratic Convention in August, Portland- based protest group Antifa has stepped up to the plate.
The scrappy anti-fascist organization has agreed to provide protection for the DNC. Their services include, but are not limited to, forming a human wall of moms so no one can enter, screaming and shrieking their best howler monkey impersonations, and throwing pop-its and fire crackers at passers by. Their list of demands in exchange is simple - bags of Gatorade, enough avocado toast and soy-based meat substitutes to feed an army, and permission to burn the venue to the ground afterward.
DNC organizers are considering the bid seriously as options wear thin. Chairman Bennie Thompson said in a press release “who better to protect and serve our convention than those who best represent what our party stands for?"
Asked for his opinion on using the riotous group to protect the convention, presidential hopeful Biden stated, “Antifa? Love their work. Love their energy. Reminds me of Woodstock. What an era. People just burning things and loving each other. Love was free back then.”
Antifa leaders were difficult to track down, as they were busy maintaining peace and order in cities run by Democratic leaders. When we did eventually find a person who said they were in charge, she stated that “the fight against fascism starts at the source. We want to be there to ensure the right people get in the right positions to do what needs to be done. Just look at what we have accomplished in cooperation with Democratic governors and mayors in just a few short months. We can stop fascism in America if Democratic leaders continue to give us their cooperation.”