We’ve all been there. You drive to the local Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but CRAP! You forgot your mask.Well don’t worry, now there’s no need to drive all the way home because here at the Penguin, we’ve tested all the best substitutes so you know what work and what doesn’t.
1. Masking Tape: No. Despite the name, masking tape does not work. The tape will not stick to your skin and especially wont stay if you have a beard.
2. Plastic Grocery Bags: Yes. These work great, just be sure to cut eye holes and breathe carefully.
3. Two Cups of Peanut Butter: Yes. With a mouth full of peanut butter, there's no room to breath out all those murderous particles. Use chunky if you're feeling adventurous!
4. George Soro's Boot: Yes. Mainstream media outlets like CNN and MSNBC tested this for us. By licking boots, you can go out and attend protests or burn your police station of choice, all while staying safe from the virus.
5. Pantyhose: Yes. Sure, you'll look like a bank robber, but bank robbing is hip these days, ask the cool kids in Portland, they'll agree.
6. 6-Feet of Distance: No. Merely maintaining 6 feet of distance between people is not enough nowadays. To really combat the virus, you must wear a piece of untested, non-medical grade cloth or other equipment over your face instead.
7. Athletic Cup: Yes. An athletic cup secured over your mouth is the perfect way to protect from a deadly disease and will bring you all the scents of scenic Los Angeles. It's the equivalent to holding a seashell to your ear to hear the ocean, but for your nose.
8. Halloween Superhero Mask: Yes. Show your support for your wokest superhero, or don't, you bigot.
9. The Word of God: No. The Holy Spirit may have descended in tongues of fire on the apostles, but not on you. Do not rely on God to save you from disease, in fact, you'd better not go to church even with a mask. Listen to your government leaders, it's far too dangerous.