UNITED STATES - American ingenuity is alive and well, even during a worldwide pandemic. American startups have been going full steam ahead with research and development budgets as they race to be the first to find a cure for the disease. Here are some of the most promising and inventive ways, companies have tried to deal with covid.
Western Bioderigibles – This Denver startup began experimenting with pumping the body full of hydrogen gas to try to defeat the coronavirus. During initial rodent tests, one overly inflated specimen caught fire and nearly burned the entire business to the ground, but new tests using helium have been promising. Most of the subjects are still alive.
Lumos International – Initial tests showed coronavirus is destroyed by ultraviolet light. Lumos took those tests and ran, developing their patented 60,000,000,000 lumen light tunnel. Participants in a trial entered the tunnel where they were blasted by light. In the promising test, all were cured of the virus, however, 100% of participants also went blind. Lumos is fighting off numerous lawsuits as they reconfigure their testing apparatus.
Lungworm – This company took ancient methods of medicine and reimagined them for the modern world. Like the archaic practice of attaching leeches to a sick person, Lungworm has run experiments on inserting tapeworms into the lungs of infected patients. The tapeworms are carefully messaged down the trachea where they feed on virus infected cells. Lungworm is still looking for their first human trial participants.
Macrowave Inc. – Macrowave has made major headwind on using heat to kill the virus. The company’s 60-foot mega-microwave oven was tested on a batch of 15 COVID-19 infected scorpions. Results were inconclusive. None of the test subjects survived for analysis.
Rhino Pharmaceuticals – Rhino’s goal is to help cure the virus through brute force. Rhino’s newest product is marketed as “Enough Advil for a Rhinoceros”. The company plans to help people deal with the virus by blocking out any pain that might come. President Brian Nicholson said, “Look, the virus isn’t that bad. So take a bunch of painkillers, power through, and you’ll be fine in a week.”
Richard Green and Co. – Mr. Green has come up with a particularly unique way to cure the virus. Participants in an early study were told to eat 24 Mentos, then drink as much Diet Coke as possible in 30 seconds. In theory, the internal pressure should squeeze any virus in the body so hard that it dies. In reality, initial tests showed no effects on the virus and massive indigestion in all participants.