Updated: Aug 4, 2020
1. Two handfuls of shredded cheese
You’ve heard of wine and cheese boards. But Goudda? Fetta? Parmesian? Franzia? French is a language for people afraid of winning wars. The only word you need to know is “Kraft.” Pairs nicely with Bud Light.
American singles are a valid substitute, but be aware of the extra prep time involved in peeling off the plastic wrapper.
2. Three and a half, Kosher Dill whole pickles
Mostly just because it’s fun to say “dill-hole.”
3. Entire roll of tollhouse cookie dough
Baking is for girls. You are man! You’re not afraid of salmonella. Eat cookie dough until you hate your body!
4. Tuna from a bag
You cracked open a can of tuna for yesterday’s lunch but then you ran out of shredded cheese to drown out the mercury taste. You could let it go to waste, OR you could shovel it into a partially sealed plastic bag, refrigerate overnight, and BOOM. Instant lunch. Meal prepping. So hot right now.
5. Some red berries I found on the bush in the woods behind my house
I was in Boy Scouts for three weeks until my mom let me quit because I cried every time she dropped me off. They said I was the worst Den Leader ever. But I learned a thing or two during my tenure.
6. An 8 pack of La Croix
French for, “The Croix” and the only European word worth knowing. Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my morning angry water. Comes in all sorts of bold flavors: regular, hint of hint of lime, the pink and orange one, and White Claw, for that after dinner bite. Drink 8 cans a day for maximum helth.
7. Just one more handful of shredded cheese, my roommates won’t notice
It’s delicious and it helps fight osteoporosis.